1. Ellen has been knighted by the Queen of England.

This is technically “unconfirmed at the time of printing,” but hey, if Ellen says it’s true, then we believe her.  Maybe it was a typo and she actually meant fellow CoverGirl Queen Latifah?

2. Ellen has found the “Secret of Life.”

And it’s kale. (Oh, and something about living to the fullest. She says: “But what’s important is that you enjoy and appreciate every day, and that’s something you can accomplish by just living in the moment. Don’t look behind you. Unless someone yells, “Look out behind you!” Then you should definitely look behind you because there’s a good chance a Frisbee is being thrown at your head, or if you’re in a movie, an attractive teenage vampire is about to attack you.”)

3. Ellen gives good advice.

For example: “Never make your bed with a monkey in it,” or “Everyone looks better in fuchsia.” Can you really argue with either of those?

4. Ellen calls being a judge on American Idol “funifficult.”

We know that she didn’t exactly love her time as a judge on American Idol. But was it because Randy called her “dude” too much, or was it the fact that Simon is “completely hairless”? No, it was because she doesn’t like to criticize, even if it is constructive criticism. “It’s just criticism with a jaunty hat,” she writes. “You’re hurting people’s feelings and I don’t like it. I don’t do it on my talk show. I don’t do it in life. I just don’t do it.”

5. Ellen is always early.

She says: “If someone invites me to a dinner party and they say to be there at 7:00, I’ll show up at noon. And if they’re not ready for me, I’ll use that time to go through their medical cabinets.”

6. Ellen loves dancing but isn’t such a fan of musicals.

She says: “For the record, I find musicals very unrealistic. If I suddenly turned to Portia and burst into a song about how we’re out of orange juice, I don’t think she would just immediately join in. I think she would be confused and concerned for me.” (Although Ellen did appear once in Promises, Promises with Sean Hayes and Kristin Chenoweth, so maybe she’s changing her, uh, tune.)

7. Ellen has a Bucket List.

Item #1: “Buy more buckets.”

8. Ellen has big dreams.

She says: “Dreams are supposed to represent things going on in our subconscious mind. And I don’t know how you feel about it, but that terrifies me. What in the world can be going on in my subconscious mind that makes me dream I’m a loom worker living in Albuquerque in the house I grew up in with Jamie Lee Curtis, three lions, and Kermit the Frog?”

9. Seriously… Ellen isn’t always kidding.

She says: “Since I’m a comedian, people usually know that I’m kidding. In fact, more often than not, people assume I’m kidding even when I’m trying to be serious. That can be frustrating when I’m at the doctor’s or dentist’s office. I’ll say something like, ‘Your elbow is digging into my neck,’ or ‘I think I need more Novocain,’ and the hygienist will laugh and laugh like it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard.”

10. Ellen wants the world to be a better place.

Okay, so you probably already knew this one too, but it’s sort of nice. She says: “If we try harder, we can do some pretty spectacular things. I know sometimes it seems like a world that has a blanket with sleeves can’t get any better, but I think it can.”

These are excerpts from SERIOUSLY…I’M KIDDING by Ellen DeGeneres.
Copyright (c) 2011 by Crazy Monkey, Inc. Reprinted by permission of
Grand Central Publishing. All rights reserved.

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