Ozzy Osbourne is a doctor. No, really.… Okay, not really. But he does dispense advice, in earnest, in his new book Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy (now in stores) on health, relationships, and even dentistry. He is known as “Rock’s Ultimate Survivor,” and that’s probably true. We are willing to concede that he probably knows a thing or two. The book is a collection of actual questions posed to Ozzy in his actual advice column—which ran in The Sunday Times Magazine in London and Rolling Stone in the U.S.—and some of the recommendations he offered. We’ve selected a few of the, well, Ozzy-est responses to real people’s questions we could find. You can decide for yourself whether or not to take his advice!
Ozzy on Hangovers:
“It took me 40 years of trying everything and anything to make the morning-after feel better—short of actually giving up booze—until I finally realized that the only thing that ever worked was just to get s***faced again. Like a lot of things, it was obvious in hindsight.”
Ozzy on Parenting:
“At 62, I’m lucky if I can remember why I just walked into a room, never mind how I changed a f***ing nappy in 1972. Mind you, I don’t think I ever did change a nappy, so even if I could somehow go back in time, I sill wouldn’t have a clue. Work it out for yourself.”
Ozzy on Driving:
“It took me 19 attempts to pass my driving test—and I only finally became legal in October 2009. Not that it ever stopped me from driving, mind you: If anyone ever asked me if I had a license, I’d just say, “Oh yes”… which was sort of true: I had a TV license.”
Ozzy on Revenge:
“If you’re going to send crap in the mail, take a leaf out of my wife’s book, and do it right: Put it in a Ziploc bag inside of a Tiffany’s box. Everyone loves to get a Tiffany’s box—which makes the thought of them untying the ribbon and bow to find a fresh dump inside even more satisfying.”
Ozzy on Romance:
“Guys: When trying to get your partner into the sack, avoid phrases like ‘meat thermometer,’ ‘one-eyed yogurt slinger,’ and ‘cheesy bratwurst.’ At least until you’re married.”
This is an excerpt from TRUST ME, I’M DR. OZZY, by Ozzy Osbourne
Copyright (c) 2011 by Ozzy Osbourne. Reprinted by permission of Grand Central Publishing. All rights reserved.